Tuesday, July 29, 2008

So What's the Deal With Bacon's Sausage?

We here at Xoom deal with mysteries all the time. And while this particular head-scratcher involving the great Kevin Bacon isn't exactly paranormal(at least I don't think it is), it certainly qualifies as an "unexplained phenomenon"...

I was talking to a buddy of mine last night who had recently watched Friday the 13th again and was alarmed by whatever it was that Kevin Bacon had crammed in his Speedo. I seemed to recall something giving me a strange, tingly vibe in the "swimming around the dock" scenes, so when I got home I cued it up. Sure enough, something horrible was residing in Jack Burrell's swimsuit. It's not evident in all the scenes around the dock, but in one particular shot it is... noticeable.... to say the least.

As I said before, this one is making me think twice, because while Xoom has investigated a lot of weird stuff, from hauntings to "slime rain" to plenty of hairy craziness in between, it's never come even close to brushing up against this level of the bizarre. This is a whole new league. Just pulling that screen grab is going to give me nightmares for weeks... Kevin Bacon's misshapen cod nightmares. And trust me, from experience, those are always the worst.

I guess, though, we here at Xoom could just treat this case as our first possession investigation - on a few different fronts:

1. What possessed Kevin Bacon to stuff his speedo with something so overtly odd?

2. What possessed the director to place his actor's truncated-looking nethers into such a prominent place in the shot?

3. What possessed the editor to then leave said shot in the movie, taking us out of the story while we contemplate where Kevin found a short length of one-inch PVC pipe laying around Camp Crystal Lake?

Can you imagine seeing this on the big screen? For those of you that remember watching this film in its original theatrical run, do you remember a reaction to this? Did everybody burst out laughing at the sight of this ginormous malformed bulge? Did popcorn fly? If you went with a girlfriend, did you curse the film for setting back your designs for weeks afterward while you tried to convince her that "not every penis looks like that"?

Please, if you have a story from your first glimpse at this monstrosity and its effects on your life, please send them our way.

So what is the mystery object? My friend said it looked like he had a highlighter in there. I'd venture a guess, but I've honestly been trying to quit my daily habit of thinking about the inside of Kevin Bacon's trousers. Between that and trying to quit smoking I've been a bear these past few months. I'm sure I will catch weeks and weeks worth of grief from my fellow XOOM members for so closely scrutinizing another man's package, but in the interest of exploring the unexplainable, I'd like to know.

What do you guys think it is? Maybe we can start a contest, try to get Kevin on the record about his contribution to cinematic history, and give a prize to whoever guesses the closest.

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